Saturday, August 28, 2010

Dry with a chance of rain..

If you ever want to experience self-induced torture, hang out with a woman who is "weaning" herself from pumping.

You'll hate your life and want to run as far away from the crabby b%tch as fast as you can. Heaven forbid you give her a hug on your way out the door. She'll punch you in the face. Or worse, the groin, depending on how long it's been since she's pumped.

For cheap entertainment, call (or visit if you're brave enough) the woman while she's trying to care for her baby while it is having a melt down. You'll hear "child-friendly" variations of every curse word as the mother attempts to hold and soothe the baby while it pummels her chest and kicks the mother's "grocery supply" with its chubby legs. "Holy Smokes, Maddy that hurts!!" "Frick!"

Priests must loathe a woman who says "bless me Father, I have sinned. It's been 2 months since my last confession and I am currently weaning myself from breastfeeding." The priest probably has an I-Pod just for these occassions. It's probably the standard:
-"I almost murdered my husband when he reached across me for the remote."
-"I almost murdered my husband when he was trying to be nice and give me a bear hug."
-"I screamed at the lady who bumped into me in Publix turning the corner and smashed my cart into her cart for making me feel like grenades just went off on my chest."
-"I threw the biggest temper tantrum when I realized we ran out of Ibuprofen."
-"I have said or thought every curse word imaginable."

Now do you understand why I'm trying to tackle this problem before work? My patients would be afraid to ask me to help them up. I can just see it now: attempting to help an elderly out of bed. They lose their balance and fall into me (which ALWAYS happens). At 3 am, a scream so terrible is heard through the halls. The staff comes running into the room where I stand sobbing clutching my chest while the patient sits terrified of the psycho nurse.

I'd rather avoid having to explain that to administration. So, I'm taking it out on my poor family.

Everyone send Jason a card for support. He's a trooper.

1 comment:

  1. DANG,Jason! Can't you put the DANG remote on yourside of the DANG couch? Sheesh!! And hello. . . hand shakes! MEN! :-) J/K



About Me

Jace, Steph & Maddy. And 2 dogs. Happy, healthy and hopeful living this wonderful thing called life.